Two years ago, we took custody of our then four and a half year old grandson. We realized immediately that we had problems. He could barely talk and couldn't sit still for more than two or three minutes. Even with cartoons that he liked, it was impossible for him to sit through more than a few minutes of the show. We met with his kindergarten teacher as there were two weeks left of school in the year when we took custody. We were told that although no official diagnosis had been made because his guardians at the time wouldn't allow it, it was believed that he was slightly mentally retarded with ADHD. We enrolled him in a really good daycare with a preschool and kindergarten program. We found immediately that he knew almost nothing. He recognized only 3 letters out of the entire alphabet and no numbers. We went to work. Within three months we saw a difference, but not enough to start him in regular school so we waited. In six months we had him tested by the school system and he was allowed to start public school in the middle of the year. He struggled, but he was in many ways a little sponge. The problem was there were so many things he didn't know. Every parent has seen the little sheets sent home where you match the animal or the picture to the word. For most children this is relatively easy, but for our child it was hard because he didn't know what anything was. No one had ever shown him a giraffe, or an elephant or talked to him to know what a gate was, or a table.
One of the first things we noticed is that he had no concept of the meaning of words. He's trying to learn to read and spell, but he doesn't know what any of those words mean or how they're used. Within 8 months we noticed he could watch an entire movie. This started slow, but continued from 5 minutes to 10 minutes to 20 minutes to a full show. Amazing from the fact that before 2 or 3 minutes was tops. Still there were problems. Behavior problems started to develop. There had always been some, but they got worse. From working with him I realized that the majority of these problems initiated from his frustration of not being able to do all the things other kids were able to do--he thought easily. His mind didn't work the way everyone else's did. He didn't grasp directions, concepts and his cognitive thinking was low. Really, really low. He would watch you, judge your emotions and know whether to seek a hug or run away, but he couldn't grasp the concept of 4 plus 4 equals 8. And if he ran out of fingers to count on, we were in real trouble.
We had over the first year and a half had numerous medical tests run, including an MRI of the brain. There were no apparent physical reasons for his problems. Having worked with him night after night I realized that something was wrong. He wasn't mentally retarded and although he has some of the symptoms I don't believe he's ADHD. What I did believe was his mind just did not work right. What he saw and what his mind correlated were two different things. I started looking for therapies to help retrain his mind. We first tried visual therapy, but after several months realized we were getting nowhere. A little change, but not enough to really make a difference. He was failing first grade badly. His behavior as well as his academic progress was horrible. There were times I almost gave in and had him medicated. It would have been easier on us. It probably would have been easier on the school. He would have been calmer, more mellow and sit still--BUT--his brain would never have had the chance to correct whatever his issues were. So I beat my head against the wall many nights. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I prayed several times day that I wouldn't lose control with him, or just give up. His frustrations were also my frustrations, my anger, my depression. I almost lost the will to live. So, yes, medication would have been easier for me. But I wanted him to have a normal, healthy, happy life. I wanted him to grow up as a functioning member of society. I wanted him to think, to learn, and to enjoy that process. He couldn't do that if drugs were controlling his brain. He had to learn to control his brain himself. He had to learn coping skills. His mother was a severe drug addict. I'm sure she used drugs during her pregnancy. One of the things she always told me was she had no coping skills. She used drugs when she was happy because they enhanced that feeling. She used drugs when she was sad, to get rid of that emotion. She used drugs when she was angry. Excuses? Yes, but it all boiled to the fact that she had no coping skills for her emotions or situations happening around her. With the background history of where our grandson had been, the things that had been done to him and the things that still trigger moments of total melt down, I couldn't afford to let him fall into that category. If he's going to have any chance at all for a normal life he has to learn self-control and coping skills. He can't do that on drugs that control for him.
Late last year, or early this year I came across an article for the Learning RX which talked about their programs for autistic and children with ADHD. I read the good, the bad and the ugly about this program. One of the things that influenced me the most was comments by Special Ed teachers who had trained in the program to use with their children at school. Some of these children made amazing progress. Children with severe learning programs still made some progress.
We scheduled a meeting with the center, had our grandson tested and talked at length with administrator about his issues, fears and the problems we were having. His scores on the test were something the center had never seen before. He scored a straight 20 across the board in all cognitive and other areas. No fluctuation up or down, just a straight 20. We were told up front they weren't sure how he would respond as they'd never seen this before. And the program is expensive. There are several options where they do all the training or it's done some at home and some at the center. Having gone through months of beating my head against the wall and it taking up to two hours to do one page of simple homework, I opted for them to do all the training. It's a 12 week program, four nights a week for an hour and fifteen minutes. We knew it could be a waste of money. We knew he could balk and not want to go. We went into it with our eyes wide open. This was our last hope in many ways to keep him off of medication and find a way to help him. He couldn't read, he couldn't spell and he couldn't do simple math.
We started the program in late February. Within two weeks we were getting reports from his teachers about how well he was doing. Not just academically, but also his behavior had improved greatly. His IEP reading teacher met with me to tell me that he was reading, and reading with confidence and self-esteem. Homework that took over two hours was suddenly being done in less than 10 to fifteen minutes and he was doing most of it by himself with just a little instruction from us. He grasped the concepts of addition and subtraction. He grasped the concepts of vowels and consonants and how blending them made sounds and words. He developed some reasoning skills. In other words, he excelled across the board.
This program has been a life saver for us. He has a long way to go, but now that his brain is learning to function the way it should and his eyes and brain are working together, the rest won't be nearly as hard. We went from not being able to add 2 plus 3 to being able to add 146 plus 23. We went from missing every word, except maybe one on a spelling test to getting them all right, or only missing one and sometimes 2 when the words were really hard. We went from sounding out EVERY letter in a word (which trust me was frustrating and sounded horrible) to being able to sight read many, many words or grasp the word with just a little bit of sounding out. He now reads books. He now thinks about choices and what happens when he makes a choice. He now understands when he's angry he needs to sit down and chill out for a minute--not put his foot through the wall. He went from screaming for 2 hours at a time to an occasional less than a minute feel sorry for himself cry when he doesn't get his way. We went from constant episodes of open defiance to small issues of "that's back talk"--"oh, I'm sorry, granny". We went from having to send him to his room to his going to his room because he knows he needs to chill out. He can sit through an entire movie at the theater.
Our experience with the Learning RX has been amazing and wonderful. Was it easy? NO! After 7 plus hours at school he had to go for an hour and fifteen minutes of very high powered tutoring four nights a week. Then come home for homework. The program is 12 weeks long. He's six years old. He never fought us about going, but there were times I praised his instructor as having the patience of Job. There were times I had to go into the room and remind him of proper behavior to show respect. There were times when we all looked at each other and shook our heads because he was driving us crazy. Why? Because he was tired. He'd been in school all day. All the other kids were outside playing and he wouldn't be finished with everything until it was dark or almost dark. It was at times very difficult, but the progress we were seeing encouraged all of us to keep going. This is his last week. Then he'll be tested and then he'll graduate from the program. The program for his age is called Lift-Off. And that's exactly what it's done. It's lifted him up so that he could catch up with those around him. Now we have a baseline for continuing and keeping him caught up so that his future academic progress won't be so hard for him or us.
Although I highly recommend the Learning RX program, I'll be the first to say that every child is different. Our grandson's progress here was probably top of the line. They had what he needed. This may not work for every child. Some may do better, some will seemingly get no benefit at all. It's an individual thing. And as I said it's very expensive. As long as you see it that way and go into it with your eyes wide open, you're willing to drive every night, sit and wait for an hour and fifteen minutes, then drive home, get dinner, homework, baths, etcetera, then I'd say give it a try. It's not easy on the children or the parents. It's the hardest 12 weeks we've had in a long time because not only was his nights taken up, so were ours. Was it worth it? Yes. Every minute and every dollar.
We've giving him the summer off, and then there's a second program based just on reading and math that we may look at if he's still having trouble when he enters 2nd grade. He'll be tested next week and I can't wait to see his scores. If he has a good day and good night and puts his true effort into that testing it should be an awesome score for this program.
Some reading this may believe I'm anti-medication. To an extent I am. I need to see some physical or emotional need for that medication. In our case simply allowing medication to control what he needed to learn to control himself would have been the wrong option. There are children who probably need medication so therefore I would not be anti-medication in those cases. The question I had to keep asking myself was--"Are you medicating him for his benefit or because you're tired of dealing with him?" The answer was always "I'm tired of dealing with him." Until I can answer that question that it's for his benefit, I'll always look for an alternative. If one can be found I'll grab it first.
If you're interested in learning more about Learning RX, check out the link below. Make sure you read all the reviews, good and bad. Make a list of issues for your child, and ask specific questions of what you can expect over the course. Get involved in what's being done and watch your child's progress or lack thereof and discuss this with both the teacher and the administrator. I've found them to be very open to both questions and issues. And if you have a child with a learning disability, don't ever give up on that child. Seek therapy for yourself if you reach the point I have reached many times. I did, and it helped to have someone to sound things off of. Someone to understand what I was going through. Someone to encourage and help me through the rough spots.
Will all of this continue? Only time will tell. He could revert and stop learning again. He could revolt and refuse to spend the time necessary to help him continue his learning process. He could eventually need medication. Only time will answer those questions. I have my fingers crossed.
http://www.learningrx.com/
New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author ~ ~ ~ writing and streams of consciousness
Showing posts with label ODD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ODD. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Friday, December 20, 2013
What's Wrong With Our Children? Rants and Raves.
At the wonderful age of 58 I became a parent again when we took custody of our almost 5 year old grandson. We noticed some immediate problems such as his inability to watch TV for more than a few minutes. His school had informed us that they believed he had ADHD as well as the possibility that he was slightly mentally retarded. We went to work--really hard work, teaching him to speak properly, proper social interaction with others, nutrition, diet, structure and yes, discipline. In many areas he excelled. We've had our ups and downs, and for about three months worked with an attitude that was diagnosed as ODD. I found that interesting, as I saw it as stretching his boundaries to see how far he could go, and what he could get away with. After six months of good teaching skills (pre-school) he was able to start kindergarten. Although late in the year (December) he was able to participate and with help graduated to first grade. We've come to the conclusion that he does have a minor learning disability, and we're looking for ways to work around that, with it, and keep him on track with the rest of his class.
Now, this brings me back to my original question: "What's wrong with our children today?" The article below states that 11 percent of all school children have been diagnosed with some form of ADHD. The second article, even more scary, states that 1 to 16 percent of school age children have been diagnosed with ODD. WOW! I went through 12 years of basic education, and I don't ever remember a child with ADHD or ODD. We had good kids and bad kids, fights and all the normal things you experience in a school setting--but we never had school shootings or children so angry they wanted to kill. My own children went through 12 years of basic education. I was very involved with the PTA and the school and I don't remember any children that had ADHD or ODD. Once again, good kids, bad kids and normal fights, etcetera.
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/report-11-percent-of-school-aged-kids-diagnosed-with-adhd/
http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_With_Oppositional_Defiant_Disorder_72.aspx
If you pay close attention to the articles it's apparent that no one really knows what causes ADHD or ODD and they really aren't sure how to treat it, except with drugs. Lots of drugs, that don't help the children academically, and put them on a road for drug use the rest of their life. Some of these drugs have drastic side effects. They can make the children angry. I'm not anti-medication, but I am a true believer that every other available avenue should be explored prior to starting any child on medication. Once the medication is started it's rare that it's ever discontinued and there's really no way to measure the effects on future generations until we get there.
Living this life with a now six year old, I can tell you part of what I think is wrong with our children. First, it's doctor's and mental health practitioners need for an "easy" solution--medication. And second, it's our school system. Our grandson started exhibiting the ODD symptoms at home after about 3 months of first grade. And boy has first grade changed since my day, and even my children's day. He has reading, writing, math, social studies, geography, Spanish (and some even have Chinese), art and history. Excuse me, but WTH? He's six. When we went to school we spent the first year learning the basics--reading, writing, math. We concentrated on learning English, not foreign languages. We didn't have words like "homophone" to learn the meanings of--which by the way I had to look up on line, and when I asked two very intelligent attorneys if they knew what it was their answer was no. If three college educated professionals don't need to know what "homophone" means, then why the heck does a first grader need that? And that's just one of many, many words I've seen at night that blow me away. Useless, and unnecessary. He's diagramming sentences for nouns, verbs, etcetera. Once again, WTH? He can't even really read well at the moment.
We attended a parents meeting with his special education reading teacher who informed us that by the end of the year the goal was for our child to read 105 to 160 words a minute. She asked if we had any questions. I raised my hand and asked--what part does comprehension play in that? The answer shocked me. "Oh, we aren't worrying about comprehension, just being able to read and recognize that many words by the end of the year." I guess I'm stupid, because I really can't comprehend the benefit to a child to be able to read hundreds of words a minute and yet have no comprehension of what the words mean, which means he'll have no true connection to what he's reading and it won't be important enough to remember. He comes home with pages of homework every night. During the winter hours he has little or no time play by the time he finishes his homework, reading and spelling study.
His ODD symptoms stopped when we stopped. We stopped pushing him to be at the top of his class, and accepted the fact that he might have to repeat a grade now or sometime in the future. We started teaching him at home in a different way. We take it slower and we concentrate on comprehension not speed. We're approaching everything at a slower pace. Yes, he still has to keep up at school, but he's learning the basics at home. We found the basis for his anger. It was confusion and frustration. I'm sure if I were thrown into a Quantum Physics class without any basics behind me, I would soon become confused and frustrated, which would eventually lead to anger. If he can't spell homophone or give you the definition, then so what? He's probably never going to need that in the real world.
It's also important to note that his ADHD symptoms would clear up for weeks at a time when he was grasping what was happening around him. Teaching him comprehension of math, words and life has worked wonders for him. He isn't perfect by a long shot, and I'm sure we'll have problems again, but we're laying the groundwork for defusing the anger that is so prevalent in our young people today. We're accepting his anger as long as he's fully aware of what's causing the anger.
My rant and rave is really focused on the mental health and medical profession that diagnoses these children and places them on heavy medications without really trying to look for an alternative. I'm sure there are children out there who really have true ADHD and may even have ODD although I'm still on the fence on that one. And I know how frustrated we as parents can become when we simply can't understand what's wrong with our children and how to help them. I know what it feels like to reach the end of my rope. The bottom line for me was finding answers to complicated issues without masking them. And before you think I haven't been there--well, my grandson sent me in the hospital twice (bear in mind he's six) by kicking me hard enough to crack a rib. He's put his foot through our living room wall. We've had to restrain him to keep him from hurting us or himself. We've been there. We've tried all forms of punishment, and nothing worked until we backed up and decided to try a different route. We would accept his anger and give him a healthy way to express it as long as he understood where it was coming from. We have pop sickle sticks for him to break and a punching bag to really get it all out.
I think it's time the government took a good long look at medications prescribed for children as well as what's in the vaccines babies are given today. It's time for the school systems to look at just how much they're trying to force into small children's brains and perhaps back up and teach the basics first, and when a child has a full grasp of the basics then add things like Spanish, history and geography. Children would have a much easier time in 4th, 5th, 6th and high school years if the first three years concentrated on basics and comprehension. And perhaps we wouldn't have so many angry children.
Rant over!
Now, this brings me back to my original question: "What's wrong with our children today?" The article below states that 11 percent of all school children have been diagnosed with some form of ADHD. The second article, even more scary, states that 1 to 16 percent of school age children have been diagnosed with ODD. WOW! I went through 12 years of basic education, and I don't ever remember a child with ADHD or ODD. We had good kids and bad kids, fights and all the normal things you experience in a school setting--but we never had school shootings or children so angry they wanted to kill. My own children went through 12 years of basic education. I was very involved with the PTA and the school and I don't remember any children that had ADHD or ODD. Once again, good kids, bad kids and normal fights, etcetera.
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/report-11-percent-of-school-aged-kids-diagnosed-with-adhd/
http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_With_Oppositional_Defiant_Disorder_72.aspx
If you pay close attention to the articles it's apparent that no one really knows what causes ADHD or ODD and they really aren't sure how to treat it, except with drugs. Lots of drugs, that don't help the children academically, and put them on a road for drug use the rest of their life. Some of these drugs have drastic side effects. They can make the children angry. I'm not anti-medication, but I am a true believer that every other available avenue should be explored prior to starting any child on medication. Once the medication is started it's rare that it's ever discontinued and there's really no way to measure the effects on future generations until we get there.
Living this life with a now six year old, I can tell you part of what I think is wrong with our children. First, it's doctor's and mental health practitioners need for an "easy" solution--medication. And second, it's our school system. Our grandson started exhibiting the ODD symptoms at home after about 3 months of first grade. And boy has first grade changed since my day, and even my children's day. He has reading, writing, math, social studies, geography, Spanish (and some even have Chinese), art and history. Excuse me, but WTH? He's six. When we went to school we spent the first year learning the basics--reading, writing, math. We concentrated on learning English, not foreign languages. We didn't have words like "homophone" to learn the meanings of--which by the way I had to look up on line, and when I asked two very intelligent attorneys if they knew what it was their answer was no. If three college educated professionals don't need to know what "homophone" means, then why the heck does a first grader need that? And that's just one of many, many words I've seen at night that blow me away. Useless, and unnecessary. He's diagramming sentences for nouns, verbs, etcetera. Once again, WTH? He can't even really read well at the moment.
We attended a parents meeting with his special education reading teacher who informed us that by the end of the year the goal was for our child to read 105 to 160 words a minute. She asked if we had any questions. I raised my hand and asked--what part does comprehension play in that? The answer shocked me. "Oh, we aren't worrying about comprehension, just being able to read and recognize that many words by the end of the year." I guess I'm stupid, because I really can't comprehend the benefit to a child to be able to read hundreds of words a minute and yet have no comprehension of what the words mean, which means he'll have no true connection to what he's reading and it won't be important enough to remember. He comes home with pages of homework every night. During the winter hours he has little or no time play by the time he finishes his homework, reading and spelling study.
His ODD symptoms stopped when we stopped. We stopped pushing him to be at the top of his class, and accepted the fact that he might have to repeat a grade now or sometime in the future. We started teaching him at home in a different way. We take it slower and we concentrate on comprehension not speed. We're approaching everything at a slower pace. Yes, he still has to keep up at school, but he's learning the basics at home. We found the basis for his anger. It was confusion and frustration. I'm sure if I were thrown into a Quantum Physics class without any basics behind me, I would soon become confused and frustrated, which would eventually lead to anger. If he can't spell homophone or give you the definition, then so what? He's probably never going to need that in the real world.
It's also important to note that his ADHD symptoms would clear up for weeks at a time when he was grasping what was happening around him. Teaching him comprehension of math, words and life has worked wonders for him. He isn't perfect by a long shot, and I'm sure we'll have problems again, but we're laying the groundwork for defusing the anger that is so prevalent in our young people today. We're accepting his anger as long as he's fully aware of what's causing the anger.
My rant and rave is really focused on the mental health and medical profession that diagnoses these children and places them on heavy medications without really trying to look for an alternative. I'm sure there are children out there who really have true ADHD and may even have ODD although I'm still on the fence on that one. And I know how frustrated we as parents can become when we simply can't understand what's wrong with our children and how to help them. I know what it feels like to reach the end of my rope. The bottom line for me was finding answers to complicated issues without masking them. And before you think I haven't been there--well, my grandson sent me in the hospital twice (bear in mind he's six) by kicking me hard enough to crack a rib. He's put his foot through our living room wall. We've had to restrain him to keep him from hurting us or himself. We've been there. We've tried all forms of punishment, and nothing worked until we backed up and decided to try a different route. We would accept his anger and give him a healthy way to express it as long as he understood where it was coming from. We have pop sickle sticks for him to break and a punching bag to really get it all out.
I think it's time the government took a good long look at medications prescribed for children as well as what's in the vaccines babies are given today. It's time for the school systems to look at just how much they're trying to force into small children's brains and perhaps back up and teach the basics first, and when a child has a full grasp of the basics then add things like Spanish, history and geography. Children would have a much easier time in 4th, 5th, 6th and high school years if the first three years concentrated on basics and comprehension. And perhaps we wouldn't have so many angry children.
Rant over!
Friday, November 22, 2013
Rants and Raves - Do Books Kill?
Sometimes I just have to get things off my chest, and today is one of those days. I've listened to the gun debate for over a year. The pros and cons for severe gun control. And once again, my answer is - "you can't cure stupid." It is a misconception that criminals are stupid. Many criminals border on brilliant. There is simply no way to control crime and/or murders by taking away guns. That leaves knives, hammers, baseball bats, crowbars, poison, ice picks, bombs, and the list goes on endlessly.
We'd like to believe as a society that evil doesn't exist and there are no evil people. We spend thousands if not millions of dollars yearly on psychological studies of "what makes this killer tick" and "why did little Johnny go off"? Sometimes it's an overload of nothing more than life. Sometimes it's something inherent in the person that nothing can change. There were signs. Early warnings that were ignored because psychology says we're doing it all wrong. Children have labels -- ADD, OD, CB, ODD, and the list is endless. We medicate them with anti-psychotics that create both mental and physical problems. Have you ever looked at those labels? Each has a warning that the child cannot stop taking the medication without severe side effects. Hum...that should give you food for thought.
But back to my original question--Do Books Kill?
In May of this year a child was found dead, naked and emaciated. She died from hypothermia and malnutrition. Officials determined she had been beaten with a plastic tube the day of death. For more on this disturbing issue check out the article at: Examiner
In the above article the author shares links to several other deaths attributed to a book "How To Train Up a Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl.
I took the opportunity to look this book up on Amazon. It has 3,900+ reviews. 2,582 which are 1 star slamming the book. It's #5 in Christian Books and Bibles and #5 in Christian Living. WTH??????? As a Christian I am appalled that a book that perpetuates child abuse in the form of: beating a child with plastic tubing; training children with pain before they disobey, putting children outside in cold weather and withholding food, hosing children with cold water to potty train them or inflicting punishment upon a child until they pass out or cannot breath to complain could reach #5 in any Christian category.
As I said, as a Christian I am appalled, but I'm not surprised. The book found a niche in society. A group that believes many of the old time beliefs that children should be totally obedient. Children should be seen and not heard, and only seen when YOU want them to be seen. At the point in time when those beliefs were upheld children were not objects of choice, but objects of need. Many parents had children, not because they wanted a child, but because they needed that child to work the farm or do the chores.
What this niche in society doesn't take into account is the changes in society. When the old time beliefs were instituted families survived by working together, playing together and taking care of each of other. Interaction with society was limited. Interaction to other belief structures was limited. Options for any other lifestyle than the one you lived weren't available. Times have changed. The world has changed, and children have changed. Was it a good change? Not always, but we have to recognize those changes and we have to find ways to deal with them and beating or starving a child to death is not the answer. Adopting children or having children because it's "the thing to do" or "mommy and daddy want a grandchild" is not acceptable.
Having a child should be the most thought about, life changing decision any human being makes. They aren't like puppies that you can feed twice a day, turn out in the back yard to do their business and lock up in cages when you want to get away. You shouldn't treat a dog that way, but treating a child that way is and should be criminal. There is simply too much education on birth control and free birth control out there and no one should ever have a child except for one reason--you want to love it, help it grow up and become a healthy, happy, functioning member of society. 100 years ago perhaps you could do that by beating, starving or tossing out into the cold. Perhaps children were tougher then, physically and mentally. Just as society has changed, the physical and mental makeup of children have changed. They're not as tough now. They break both physically and mentally. We see prime examples of that every day in the news.
So Do Books Kill? The simple answer is no, but the real answer is much more complex. Books don't kill, just as guns don't kill. People kill. The question we have to find the answer to is why? A part of that answer is that we live in a world of extreme fast pace. We are more frustrated trying to take it all in. We have more stress in trying to find simple ways to do it all in only a 24 hour day. We need answers to deal with overwhelming issues that face us every day. And we want a product that works. Especially when we've tried everything and nothing has changed. We want that instant gratification. The "havitall" pill that takes away our pain, depression, worry and makes us happy. And worst of all--we don't want to look in the mirror. We don't want to search our own souls. We want someone to tell us what to do to make it all go away. Most intelligent people that might find this book in their hands would read a little and say "these people are nuts"; but there are and always will be those who want someone to tell them what to do, and how to make it all go away. They'll read this book, try some of the examples, and perhaps for some it might work. There will be others, like the examples above who believe in the book, just like Jim Jones' followers believed in him. When the processes set forth therein aren't working, it isn't because the book is wrong and the examples therein won't work for their child, they believe it's because they aren't doing it right. So they hit harder. They starve longer. And eventually another child dies.
The opinions above are my own, but they're not totally biased as I have a counseling degree, but even more important I have a 6 year old child who is being monitored for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. If you're not familiar with that disorder it describes an angry, defiant child that no amount of reasoning, love, structure or discipline has an effect on. I've read all the literature, studied all the methods of working with him, and tried almost everything. We're in counseling. We have days and sometimes weeks of the sweetest child in the world. We have days and sometimes weeks of an angry, defiant, destructive ball of energy that can scream for hours on end because he doesn't want to do his homework. There are times I'm tired, discouraged and I take a lot of long walks. I keep looking for a solution, but never in my wildest dreams would I consider beating him, starving him or tossing him out in the cold. Not because I may not be angry at times, or frustrated enough to do that, but because I'm intelligent enough to know that that would not solve the problem. He might for a while on the surface appear better, act better, but the problem, whatever it is that lies underneath would still be there and someday it would burst forth and I would be looking at the next school shooting or worse. I will never give up until I find a way to reach the problem and find a real solution, not a mask to cover the issue. And I will keep loving him, providing structure and discipline and working with him until I do.
The bottom line is books don't kill, but they can provide information that if taken to the extreme can push an already frustrated and "at the end of the their rope" person over the edge.
We have get back to basics in some ways, yes, but we also have to understand there is no "havitall" pill. And there is no shame in asking for help if you're having a problem or have a problem child. There is no shame in accepting your child for who and what he/she is or who and what they want to be when they grow up. Perhaps our grandson will never be the next Einstein. He may never be an astronaut and make space discoveries. He's not going to get that basketball, football or baseball million dollar contract. He may not be an Olympic swimmer (although that may be possible as he loves to swim). I'm okay with that. All I truly want for him is to be happy, healthy and a functioning member of society that grows up to respect himself and others. If I accomplish that then I will have my havitall pill.
We'd like to believe as a society that evil doesn't exist and there are no evil people. We spend thousands if not millions of dollars yearly on psychological studies of "what makes this killer tick" and "why did little Johnny go off"? Sometimes it's an overload of nothing more than life. Sometimes it's something inherent in the person that nothing can change. There were signs. Early warnings that were ignored because psychology says we're doing it all wrong. Children have labels -- ADD, OD, CB, ODD, and the list is endless. We medicate them with anti-psychotics that create both mental and physical problems. Have you ever looked at those labels? Each has a warning that the child cannot stop taking the medication without severe side effects. Hum...that should give you food for thought.
But back to my original question--Do Books Kill?
In May of this year a child was found dead, naked and emaciated. She died from hypothermia and malnutrition. Officials determined she had been beaten with a plastic tube the day of death. For more on this disturbing issue check out the article at: Examiner
In the above article the author shares links to several other deaths attributed to a book "How To Train Up a Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl.
I took the opportunity to look this book up on Amazon. It has 3,900+ reviews. 2,582 which are 1 star slamming the book. It's #5 in Christian Books and Bibles and #5 in Christian Living. WTH??????? As a Christian I am appalled that a book that perpetuates child abuse in the form of: beating a child with plastic tubing; training children with pain before they disobey, putting children outside in cold weather and withholding food, hosing children with cold water to potty train them or inflicting punishment upon a child until they pass out or cannot breath to complain could reach #5 in any Christian category.
As I said, as a Christian I am appalled, but I'm not surprised. The book found a niche in society. A group that believes many of the old time beliefs that children should be totally obedient. Children should be seen and not heard, and only seen when YOU want them to be seen. At the point in time when those beliefs were upheld children were not objects of choice, but objects of need. Many parents had children, not because they wanted a child, but because they needed that child to work the farm or do the chores.
What this niche in society doesn't take into account is the changes in society. When the old time beliefs were instituted families survived by working together, playing together and taking care of each of other. Interaction with society was limited. Interaction to other belief structures was limited. Options for any other lifestyle than the one you lived weren't available. Times have changed. The world has changed, and children have changed. Was it a good change? Not always, but we have to recognize those changes and we have to find ways to deal with them and beating or starving a child to death is not the answer. Adopting children or having children because it's "the thing to do" or "mommy and daddy want a grandchild" is not acceptable.
Having a child should be the most thought about, life changing decision any human being makes. They aren't like puppies that you can feed twice a day, turn out in the back yard to do their business and lock up in cages when you want to get away. You shouldn't treat a dog that way, but treating a child that way is and should be criminal. There is simply too much education on birth control and free birth control out there and no one should ever have a child except for one reason--you want to love it, help it grow up and become a healthy, happy, functioning member of society. 100 years ago perhaps you could do that by beating, starving or tossing out into the cold. Perhaps children were tougher then, physically and mentally. Just as society has changed, the physical and mental makeup of children have changed. They're not as tough now. They break both physically and mentally. We see prime examples of that every day in the news.
So Do Books Kill? The simple answer is no, but the real answer is much more complex. Books don't kill, just as guns don't kill. People kill. The question we have to find the answer to is why? A part of that answer is that we live in a world of extreme fast pace. We are more frustrated trying to take it all in. We have more stress in trying to find simple ways to do it all in only a 24 hour day. We need answers to deal with overwhelming issues that face us every day. And we want a product that works. Especially when we've tried everything and nothing has changed. We want that instant gratification. The "havitall" pill that takes away our pain, depression, worry and makes us happy. And worst of all--we don't want to look in the mirror. We don't want to search our own souls. We want someone to tell us what to do to make it all go away. Most intelligent people that might find this book in their hands would read a little and say "these people are nuts"; but there are and always will be those who want someone to tell them what to do, and how to make it all go away. They'll read this book, try some of the examples, and perhaps for some it might work. There will be others, like the examples above who believe in the book, just like Jim Jones' followers believed in him. When the processes set forth therein aren't working, it isn't because the book is wrong and the examples therein won't work for their child, they believe it's because they aren't doing it right. So they hit harder. They starve longer. And eventually another child dies.
The opinions above are my own, but they're not totally biased as I have a counseling degree, but even more important I have a 6 year old child who is being monitored for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. If you're not familiar with that disorder it describes an angry, defiant child that no amount of reasoning, love, structure or discipline has an effect on. I've read all the literature, studied all the methods of working with him, and tried almost everything. We're in counseling. We have days and sometimes weeks of the sweetest child in the world. We have days and sometimes weeks of an angry, defiant, destructive ball of energy that can scream for hours on end because he doesn't want to do his homework. There are times I'm tired, discouraged and I take a lot of long walks. I keep looking for a solution, but never in my wildest dreams would I consider beating him, starving him or tossing him out in the cold. Not because I may not be angry at times, or frustrated enough to do that, but because I'm intelligent enough to know that that would not solve the problem. He might for a while on the surface appear better, act better, but the problem, whatever it is that lies underneath would still be there and someday it would burst forth and I would be looking at the next school shooting or worse. I will never give up until I find a way to reach the problem and find a real solution, not a mask to cover the issue. And I will keep loving him, providing structure and discipline and working with him until I do.
The bottom line is books don't kill, but they can provide information that if taken to the extreme can push an already frustrated and "at the end of the their rope" person over the edge.
We have get back to basics in some ways, yes, but we also have to understand there is no "havitall" pill. And there is no shame in asking for help if you're having a problem or have a problem child. There is no shame in accepting your child for who and what he/she is or who and what they want to be when they grow up. Perhaps our grandson will never be the next Einstein. He may never be an astronaut and make space discoveries. He's not going to get that basketball, football or baseball million dollar contract. He may not be an Olympic swimmer (although that may be possible as he loves to swim). I'm okay with that. All I truly want for him is to be happy, healthy and a functioning member of society that grows up to respect himself and others. If I accomplish that then I will have my havitall pill.
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